Fear Causes Hesitation

When I was younger and I told my Grandma I was afraid of something she would admonish, “God didn’t give you the spirit of fear. He gave you the spirit of power, love and a sound mind.” That is one of the many seeds she planted in me, that have blossomed in my adulthood. Yet even to this day, I still battle with fears in life, one of which is how my writings will be perceived and received by you all. That is one reason why I have been slow at producing content on the blog. I’m a tough critic towards myself, I’ll produce something awesome and will find the smallest reason to negatively criticize it until I don’t want to share it with anyone. From Facebook comments to cooking to these posts, I destroy my creations and discourage myself. Why is that? I can certainly say it is NOT due to childhood trauma, my family was very supportive of everything I have ever said I wanted to do. My home environment was very loving and nurturing, all of my gifts and talents were encouraged and allowed to flourish I’m accustomed to public speaking. I’ve been speaking in front of crowds since I was three. It started with Easter and Christmas speeches in church, and from there I went to giving the welcome, occasion, and/or thank you address for special programs at my church. I also volunteered to give speeches or opted for oral presentations in school. My speaking has always received great reviews from family and strangers. Writing has also been a strong suit of mine from an early age. My Godmother was an English teacher and she taught all the children at my daycare to read and write. Most of my essays that I submitted in high school and college were last minute pieces of work, I thought of as mediocre, but they received A’s or B’s from teachers and professors. *shrugs*

But what is it about me that stops me from posting what probably is great work? One thing I can point out is my desire to be perfect. I really want to be thought of as the perfect guy, flawless and pristine in almost every way. Of course that is far from the truth, (I’m discussing one of my flaws now), but I strive to be perfect no matter what. I hold myself to some unrealistic standards at times and when I don’t meet them in whatever I am doing I give up, start over, or keep changing what I am doing until I get frustrated or I produce something I like enough. I am afraid of being thought of or perceived as someone who is trash, problematic or crazy in a negative way. That fear drives me to always present a logical, well-written comment or post that will be easily accepted by others. But that is unrealistic because there are always people that will disagree, no matter how much sense I make. I also have a tendency to overthink EVERYTHING I do and say. Overthinking drives me to not say and/or do a lot of things because I’m afraid it will be taken the wrong way. This has come from instances when people have judged me based on limited information, and after getting to know me they tell me. Me being overly critical of myself, I take it as me needing to watch what I do and say at all times because I am always being watched and I don’t want to send off the wrong signals. To sum it all up I’m too aware of others and their proclivity to form erroneous opinions, and rather than explain myself or defend my position to challenges I try and get it right on the first try.

Obviously this is the wrong approach to most situations and has led to a great block in progress. I am actively taking steps to get out of my own way, this being one of them. This is a problem that I admitting that I have, and I am being honest about the why. I care a bit too much about how others think of me, which is unhealthy for my mental well-being. My next step is limiting my edits and critiques of my work, it aint gon be perfect and I’m going to have to be ok with that. It is great work, because it is honest, thoughtful, thought provoking and genuine. I will defend it if need be, and I will explain it for those who need some clarity. They may not be immediate responses, because I do have a life outside of blogging, but they will get a response. *shrugs* There will be people who won’t like and will disagree for whatever reason, I’ll have to be ok with that as well. I believe you all like me, and/or this blog as an extension of me, because you all can identify with how I think and feel, not because what I say is infallible. With that belief I have decided to shed the self-imposed shackles of fear. I’m moving towards freedom from fears and a self-constructed prison that is stifling my growth as a dispenser of God’s infinite power. Me standing in my way also blocked The Creator from fully using me, and if He can’t use me how He wants He can’t bless me how He wants. So I encourage you all to learn from me if you struggle with the same issue. For every negative criticism you can come up with, there is probably 10 people who want or need whatever it is you’re producing. Think of it like this, an apple tree doesn’t stop itself from bearing fruit because it only bears green apples. Yes, there are many people who prefer red or yellow apples, but there are also many more people who adore green apples. We are all trees that are supposed to bear fruit for others to enjoy, don’t let the people who are searching for YOUR kind of fruit starve because you’re ashamed or afraid. Produce! Produce! Produce! Then and watch how many people you end up feeding.

Peace, Love and Blessings.